"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

--Jesus

There's an old tale of two monks who were walking down a road.  As they walked they came upon a woman attempting to cross a muddy puddle of water.  As monks, they were bound not only to never talk to, but also never to touch a woman.  As they approached the woman, the younger of the monks began to study the older monk to see what he would do.  The woman needed their help.  They had their vow.  A conundrum, for sure.  Without hesitance, the older monk picked the woman up and carried her over the puddle of water, to the complete dismay of the younger monk.  They then went on their way.  After some time, the younger monk could no longer hold his tongue.  He asked the older monk "why did you help that woman across the puddle?  You are well-aware of the vow we took when we entered the monastery!"  The older monk simply replied "I put that woman down over an hour ago....why are you still carrying her?"  

Burdens.  Boy they suck.  Sometimes, I see runners using ankle weights when they train so that they can run faster when they aren't wearing them.  Sure would be nice if we could just take off our burdens like that....

Burdens are heavy.  And they come in all varieties.  Physical. Emotional. Psychological.  Spiritual.  Familial.  Personal.  When we're younger we would probably think that the physical ones are the heaviest, but as we grow up, we quickly realize that we'd much rather have to carry actual weights around with us than we would have to carry around all the baggage that life entails...

Amazingly enough, some of the burdens that I carry are self-imposed.  I suspect some of yours are, too.  WHY??? What kind of self-hating, deprecating, tortuous fanatic would do this himself?  That's easy to answer.  It's called shame and guilt.  You probably know those two....

In Purcell's opera, Dido and Aeneas, Dido sings these words just before she kills herself: "when I am laid in earth, may my wrongs create no trouble in thy breast.  Remember me, but forget my fate."  The irony is that she had done nothing wrong.  Aeneas left her, under the spell of a witch.  Yet, she felt guilty.  I can only shake my head.  She took a burden to her grave that wasn't hers to bear.  Imagine the anguish.  

Maverick blamed himself for Goose's death, when it clearly wasn't his fault.  One of the best scenes in that movie shows him holding Goose's dogtags in his hand, consumed with guilt...all over something he wasn't responsible for... a perfect picture of what so many of us do to ourselves.  

Dido and Maverick were both in the same situation.  And it didn't really matter to their hearts whether they should be carrying the guilt or not....their hearts felt it, and the heart always overrides the brain.  Logic won't do here.  The heart is where all of life flows from.  

I think the heaviest burden of all to carry is being unwilling to forgive.  Forgiveness, according to a close friend of mine, is a supernatural occurrence.  The more I think about that, the more I am inclined to agree.  If I were to make a list of all the things that have been "done to me," it would really take an act of God to make me forgive all that.....but what about all that I have done to others??? Don't I want to be forgiven?? Sure I do.  And the wrong done to me is no worse than the wrong I've done to others.

And at the top of this mountain of being unforgiving is the unwillingness to forgive myself.  Good God what an impossible thing to do sometimes.  I think this is the case because in our minds, carrying around the resentment or anger that comes from not forgiving gives us some kind of psychological/spiritual/emotional crutch to lean on.  To put it another way, we like being the victim.  Ironically, forgiveness is not for the person who wronged us...it's for us.  Chances are pretty good that the offender doesn't even know of the offense, so, really, we are just destroying ourselves from the inside.  How tragic!

While having nails driven through his wrists and feet, and having had a spear rammed into his lateral obliques, and having been scourged, and having had a crown of thorns shoved down on his head, and even on top of this, having been rejected by the nation that produced his lineage, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  I'm not sure I know of a more powerful, and awe-inspiring statement.  If I'm to be like Him, I must be like him.  I must think like Him.  I must act out what I know about Him.  The forgiveness that I extend directly relates to how much I can forgive myself--either positively or negatively.  I must decrease and He must increase.

Putting anything into practice requires patience and diligent effort.  Brother Lawrence said he often had to just simply say "God, I'm doing it again..."  Maybe over time, the habit of forgiveness will take root.  Maybe I can quit beating myself up for every little thing...maybe.  Just maybe.

God put that burden down long ago...why am I still carrying it???