In 2017, I had the privilege to help create Southwind's production "Toxic Mind."  2017 was a very interesting season to say the least, but that's another blog post.  The show was originally entitled "Strange Things" or something like that...I can't remember where my keys are half the time, much less the working title of a show.  I still remember when my great friend, Dell Trotter, called me after the first design meeting to tell me what we were playing.  "Creep," by Radiohead, has been a favorite of mine for a long time.  "Rite of Spring" set the world on its ear when it premiered in 1913.  Stevie Wonder's "Superstition" is timeless funkiness.  We worked the "Dies Irae" (day of wrath) from Verdi's Requiem in as a hook to tie it all together, and closed out with Muse's "Hysteria."

The concept of the show was that we are our own worst enemies.  The narrative in the soundscape says it all....

In my mind, I play the inner game--unaware that I am my own opponent.  I enter the arena willingly....but ALONE.  

I can still hear the rim shots from the drumline that occured right after that voice-over bouncing off the walls inside Lucas Oil.  The music faded into Creep, with Cameron Sansing playing solo flugelhorn, leading into an in-your-face moment from the whole drum corps.  

Chimes.  Dies Irae...ominous death.  Trumpets, layered with mellophones, then the whole hornline in a frenzy.  Boom! Back to Creep.  Listening to it as I type this makes my spine tingle.  Damn, I love music.  

The toxic mind is steeped in superstitions.  

At this point, one of the grooviest arrangements of "Superstition" I've heard begins.   The whole baritone sections switches to trombones and lays waste.  Now here comes four screaming trumpets....one of them was only 15.  Get it, Gabe Trotter.

Alone, I wrestle with doubt and fear.

The mood shifts, and "Toxic" by Brittney Spears begins.  Yes, Brittney Spears.  She's not that innocent, ya know!? I had serious doubts when Dell told me we were playing this AS A BALLAD. I was wrong.  Happily.  It was a moment. 

Toxic Mind

Loud, loud, and more loud.  Hey, that's what the crowd wants. 

Alone, alone, alone......

Fade in the electronica, 200 beats per minute.  Tuba feature to end all open class DCI tuba features.  They nailed it.  Jorge Alarcon was one heck of a tuba instructor.  "Hysteria" by Muse makes a great closer.   More Dies Irae from the synth.  Segue back into "Creep."  Fortississimo and real fast!  

Up yours, life!!! Suck it, Trebek. What. 

It's funny how things from the past creep up on you.  I never really thought about how I was the person in the story, but I really am.  So are you.  So is everyone.  I play the inner game.  Here's how it goes....

Am I good enough?

Can I do this?

Will I be successful?

Will he/she like me?

Will my students like me?

What if I fail?

Is it worth it?

Do I matter?

What's this all for anyway? 

I'm on the outside, looking in.

I enter the arena willingly.  This one always confounds me.  If I know something will consume me, why do I think about it?  Or act upon it?  What the actual heck??  But sadly, I do.  I go down the rabbit hole.  Why?  I see the warning signs.  I can plainly see the arena.  It's got ropes around it.  It has a big shining spot light right above it.  There's a ring announcer who's just said "let's get ready to rumble!"  A colossal beatdown is imminent.  And ole Brewer's like "ok, let's do it!  Idiot.  

The toxic mind is steeped in superstitions.  I think superstitions are stupid, except for the ones I believe in.  LOL.  I do not care what you think, eating collard greens on New Year's Day WILL NOT bring you good luck.  There, I said it.  But I have my own stupid superstitions, so I'm really just a giant hypocrite.  You can bet your iPhone I won't wash my trumpet the night before a show.  Somehow, I still avoid stepping on cracks in the concrete.  OCD isn't in alphabetical order, by the way.  

Alone, I wrestle with doubt.  Ahh, yes.  Satan's favorite tool.  Make someone feel alone, and he can do anything with you he wants.  Ever felt alone in a room full of folks?  No? Liar.  There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely....often times, they blur into each other.  We often feel misunderstood.  Unwanted.  Kids grow up and they suddenly no longer want to be around us.  The Dixon Center on a Friday afternoon after unloading from a performance is THE LONELIEST PLACE ON THE PLANET.  (Except for maybe the home of a drum corps kid after summer tour ends.)  

In "My Own Worst Enemy," the band Lit said "it's no surprise to me, I am my worst enemy, 'cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me."  Yep.  What if, just what if, we could JUST STOP.  JUST. STOP. I guess we are in an eternal mental war with ourselves.  I'm no psychologist, but I seem to recall something about such in PSY200....Ramona Franklin, you tried.  

While attempting to put a somewhat humorous twist on this stuff, it really is serious.  I think the title of Joyce Meyer's books says it all: The Battlefield of the Mind.  Battlefield.  Bombs. IEDs. Landmines.  Smoke.  Blood.  Destruction.  It's all in there....if we allow it.  The hard part is not allowing it.  

My great friend Dr. Dale Gunn once told me that everything is in the mind.  It's all mental.  Understanding this helped me cope with my divorce seven years ago.  What I wouldn't give to talk to Dr. Gunn again.  Sadly, he passed in 2016, but he left a mark!!  One day in his office, we were discussing the Indian proverb about the two wolves at war in each of us, one good and the other, evil. The winner is the one that we feed.  That WE feed. That I feed!!!!  When I was in fifth grade, my science teacher, Pam Rabren, taught this lesson to us in a different way:  garbage in, garbage out, referring to basic computer programming.  Same lesson.  Different presentation.  Eternal truth, packaged in a different box.  

So is it really true that I can be totally in control, mentally?  The Word says to be "transformed by the renewing of your mind."  That's pretty bold, if you ask me, but God said it, so it's right.  The key, though, is that I have to renew my mind DAILY.  Not just periodically.  The war doesn't take a break. It's a constant effort.  It requires diligence.  I know this....but I often forget it.  

I don't want to be my own worst enemy.